No matter how much i try.

No matter what im doing or where i am i cant stop the  memories from flooding back to my head. No matter how hard i try they just come back. Sometimes im able to control them and then others times i cant. I just pray that the times i cant control my thoughts that im at home.

My therapist thinks there some reason why i cant stop thinking about rob. I mean yea uh he brutally raped me. i was a kid still so yea i think that's a pretty good reason.

How do you forget these things. She thinks that i'll magically be healed in a certain amount of time but all im doing with her is covering up so it looks like im making progress. I dont think ill ever be healed. I'll never be normal or be able to have normal relationships with the outside world. Frankly i dont really think i want to.

They say that people become cofortable with sadness and pain even when they dont want to be. I think ive lived in this dark place for so many years now that its what i know. When im in the dark no one can see me so no one can hurt me.

They never suffer. They hurt you and walk away and live their lives. They dont care about what they did to you or how it would affect you. They can just eaisly forget.


Wish i could do that.

Now that the holidays are over...

Don't tell me to get over it.

I saw a post on a forum today and it made me think of this.
 Don't tell me to get over it and suck it up. When your nightmares repeat what happened that's not a choice, it's called POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER. Anything can trigger it, not just sleep. A sound. A smell. A word. You just never know what can trigger it. Believe me, anyone with PTSD want nothing more than to be free from the trauma they experienced.

Feeling good for once.

I started taking my medications on time everyday and today i actually felt really good.
When you've felt so bad for so long you know when you feel good. Its such a rare feeling but im going to take it.

I wont even go into anything right now. Im scare i may ruin the mood. = )

It's my hair and it IS a huge deal.

One thing i thought i would never get over was growing my hair out again. I was traumatized after being dragged across the floor by my hair and all i wanted to do was cut it off. I guess this is where the PTSD came into play because every time my hair grew past my shoulders i would freak and do anything to avoid letting it get long.

Well after 8 years i am proud to say that my hair is now just past my bra. Crazy! Ive been trying for years to grow it but just couldnt do it and i finally did!

Its still going to take work and every now and then i have a flashback and want to grab some scissors
 but its a work in progress.

Some may not think growing out your hair is a big deal but for me it really is. 

Isnt it suppose to get easier?

I cant be the only one. Right? I mean they tell you it gets easier but why doesnt it feel like it?


Some abused children survive and grow up but the damage is done.
The abuse follows us into our future and we develop PTSD, depression, DID, etc.
For some of us no one helped us before and now we struggle with mental illnesses.

"Normal" people could never understand what its like to be in in our shoes.

Surviving Childhood Sexual Abuse Affects the Rest of Your Life.


Makes you think "what did i actually survive?" if im still struggling to live.

Says it all.