My first suicide attempt.

Summer of 99 i was having a hard time coping with what had happen the previous school year. I couldnt tell my parents, i couldnt ask  for help. I sat in my room everyday in front of my window staring out into nothing. Many nights i cried myself to sleep. i remember trying to come up with a plan on how i could get out of going back to Mount loretto when sept came around again. For days i thought up of all the things i could do and if it would work or not. I thought of running away but i knew if they found me it wouldnt stop me from going. The mount would just be waiting for me when i got back.

When i finally made the decision that i was going to kill myself it was scary. I didnt want to have to go that route but it was all i could think of. A few days later i told my parents i was going for a walk. I went to the shoprite close to my house and bought pills. I dont even remember what i bought but i know i figure too much of anything would hurt me and if i was lucky would kill me. i stole a box of pills and walked to the middle school park a few blocks down from my house. It was afternoon but wasnt many people around at the time. i took more than half a box of the pills and sat there crying. I was 14 years old and was trying to take my own life. What happened from then till the time i woke up is blank. i dont even remember falling alseepor passing out but i woke up on the bench. it was evening time, still light out but def dinner time. I didnt die. I remember feeling so disappointed and crying hysterically. I keep asking God why he didnt let me die. 

After a while i decided to go home. When i got there my parents were so worried about me and asking where i was. They had called the police and the police had been looking for me  for hours. i guess no one thought to check the park. I told my abuela what i did but i dont really remember what she said or what happen after that. i dont even remember going to the hospital to get my stomach pumped. To be honest i dont think they took me. 

Couple days later i had a panic attack. This was a countdown to my breakdown. It had been pouring rain that afternoon and i was walking from the bus stop coming back from summer school.  i had no umbrella and the rain just beat down on me. I remember feeling the pain in my chest and then i was having trouble breathing. I stopped in front of a house and couldnt move. I was sobbing uncontrollably, raindrops falling down my face. i thought i was going to faint.  The world just felt like it was spinning all around me. I tried calling out for help but i couldnt get the words out. Then i heard someone calling out to me. I couldnt see who it was. Thats how bad the rain was coming down. I could see nothing around me. I felt someone grab me and pull me away. Up stairs and into their house. I was asuch a mess and took me a bit to come around. It was a girl that i knew who mom saw me standing outside her house and helped me get out the rain. 

She called my house and my abuela came down to get me. 

I guess i had a chance to tell someone what happen but i just couldnt and didnt talk about it again. Went home and went to bed. It was the weekend the next day so no school for me. 

Next morning did my usual. Get up, eat breakfast then spend the rest of the day in my room till dinner and go to bed. By that afternoon when the mail came, my abuela came to my room with a package for me. I dont remember who it was from or why they sent it but it was a vase with some roses. I dont remember why but i flipped. I remember throwing the vase against the wall and s crying and screaming that i hate everyone and why was all this happening to me. My abuela said i was screaming that they hurt me and that i didnt want to go back to school anymore. She said she called my grandfather upstairs and that he had to grab me with his arms around my chest and hold  me down because i was destroying everything around me. I had to have blacked out because i dont remember any of it. I woke up that night in the mental hospital.