Despite what happened in my life, nothing can ever take away the feeling i feel when putting up our tree for the first time.
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Depression and PTSD
Ive been feeling soo down lately.
I have panic attacks very often. I have intrusive memories and nightmares so i dont sleep sometimes. I feel so separated from the rest of the world.
I see people gathering together with friends and wish i had friends like that but i cant trust anyone that much to want to get together with.
I have trouble concentrating. Im just not focused anymore.
I cant have normal relationships with people outside of the internet besides those i go to church with. I hate always crying. Makes me feel weak.
I disassociate. Its what i do to survive everyday. I just go and its so much easier to now then when i was 11.
I often wish people could have gotten to know me before i died. I was a completely different girl.
I am just overwhelming sad all the time. Its really not the way to live life.
It's this fighting battle i cant seem to win. = (
I have panic attacks very often. I have intrusive memories and nightmares so i dont sleep sometimes. I feel so separated from the rest of the world.
I see people gathering together with friends and wish i had friends like that but i cant trust anyone that much to want to get together with.
I have trouble concentrating. Im just not focused anymore.
I cant have normal relationships with people outside of the internet besides those i go to church with. I hate always crying. Makes me feel weak.
I disassociate. Its what i do to survive everyday. I just go and its so much easier to now then when i was 11.
I often wish people could have gotten to know me before i died. I was a completely different girl.
I am just overwhelming sad all the time. Its really not the way to live life.
It's this fighting battle i cant seem to win. = (
Britt Nicole - All This Time (Lyrics)
I remember the moment
I remember the pain
I was only a girl
But I grew up that day
Tears were falling
I know You saw me
Hiding there in my bedroom
So alone
I was doing my best
Trying to be strong
No one to turn to
That's when I met You
What on my mind right now?
Really a lot. I get so many jumbled up words and sentences and then dont know where to start. Like i said before this blog is about me and my life and who i am as a person. So ill start with a little something not very many people know about me.
I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.
When i was 3 my birth mother who was pretty much a baby herself let one of her many boyfriends molest me. Its not something that i remember but its something that was talked about a lot and i was put in therapy at a very young age because of it.
When i was about 7 years old, a man tried take me from my house. I remember parts of this but some things i forgot. He had been watching me play outside in front of my home for weeks. i remember the first time he came by to talk to me. I dont think my parents really talked about strangers then. He came back again with a bike and gave it to me a a gift. it was this red tricycle with white handles. i remember him taking my hand and then i remember my parents coming out of the house questioning him. Lots of parts are blank but i remember him telling my grandfather that he watched me and thought i was beautiful. Crazy. he actually admitted to my grandfather he watched me. smh
Then at the age of 11 i got kicked out of a good school for something stupid. All fault of my own. Got sent to a terrible special ed school because it was the only place that would take me at the end of the school year. It ended up being a life changing experince. i was first verbally abuse for the first year there by two boys who were older than me. one was 14 and the other was 15 at the time. The second year they upgraded to physical abuse and then in my third year there fathe sexual abuse started. It wasnt only them but there was a teacher who was obsessed over me too.
Ill go into more detail when i make that blog.
almost 2 weeks after my 17th birthday i was brutally raped by this guy old enough to be my father.
I guess the whole point of this is finding support from people i know as well as those i dont. i prefer to help others first so i hope to also give my support to someone who may have been in my shoes and not had someone to be there for them.
I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.
When i was 3 my birth mother who was pretty much a baby herself let one of her many boyfriends molest me. Its not something that i remember but its something that was talked about a lot and i was put in therapy at a very young age because of it.
When i was about 7 years old, a man tried take me from my house. I remember parts of this but some things i forgot. He had been watching me play outside in front of my home for weeks. i remember the first time he came by to talk to me. I dont think my parents really talked about strangers then. He came back again with a bike and gave it to me a a gift. it was this red tricycle with white handles. i remember him taking my hand and then i remember my parents coming out of the house questioning him. Lots of parts are blank but i remember him telling my grandfather that he watched me and thought i was beautiful. Crazy. he actually admitted to my grandfather he watched me. smh
Then at the age of 11 i got kicked out of a good school for something stupid. All fault of my own. Got sent to a terrible special ed school because it was the only place that would take me at the end of the school year. It ended up being a life changing experince. i was first verbally abuse for the first year there by two boys who were older than me. one was 14 and the other was 15 at the time. The second year they upgraded to physical abuse and then in my third year there fathe sexual abuse started. It wasnt only them but there was a teacher who was obsessed over me too.
Ill go into more detail when i make that blog.
almost 2 weeks after my 17th birthday i was brutally raped by this guy old enough to be my father.
I guess the whole point of this is finding support from people i know as well as those i dont. i prefer to help others first so i hope to also give my support to someone who may have been in my shoes and not had someone to be there for them.
Its 4am and im seriously bored.
I have nothing to do at 4am so im blogging. I could get used to this.
Some nights i sleep some i dont. This is one where im not.
See i suffer from depression, Ptsd and i have anxiety/panic attacks. it makes it hard to function under normal circumstances..
Sometimes the simplest things are the hardest for me. I wasnt always like this though. My next blog will begin to explain a little bit of why and how i got to this point.
Some nights i sleep some i dont. This is one where im not.
See i suffer from depression, Ptsd and i have anxiety/panic attacks. it makes it hard to function under normal circumstances..
Sometimes the simplest things are the hardest for me. I wasnt always like this though. My next blog will begin to explain a little bit of why and how i got to this point.
Introduction
i am terrible when it comes to telling things about myself. Ill give it my best shot though.
So my name is michelle. Im now 28, married with two amazing little girls. I live in south jersey and love it here. Ive been sewing for almost 5 years and have a boutique online.
If you asked most of the people i know they would tell you that im creative, strong, great listener, great mom and much more. Unfortunately i cant see it. See i have very low self esteem and its hard for me to see the good in a lot of myself. As i blog you will understand a little bit more about why and who i am and where i came from.
Im making this blog because i have a lot to say but never really feel like i have anyone to say things too. I never really had someone to listen to me before and its a good way to get out what i need to.
This blog is about me. For once in my life something is about me.
So my name is michelle. Im now 28, married with two amazing little girls. I live in south jersey and love it here. Ive been sewing for almost 5 years and have a boutique online.
If you asked most of the people i know they would tell you that im creative, strong, great listener, great mom and much more. Unfortunately i cant see it. See i have very low self esteem and its hard for me to see the good in a lot of myself. As i blog you will understand a little bit more about why and who i am and where i came from.
Im making this blog because i have a lot to say but never really feel like i have anyone to say things too. I never really had someone to listen to me before and its a good way to get out what i need to.
This blog is about me. For once in my life something is about me.
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