No matter how much i try.

No matter what im doing or where i am i cant stop the  memories from flooding back to my head. No matter how hard i try they just come back. Sometimes im able to control them and then others times i cant. I just pray that the times i cant control my thoughts that im at home.

My therapist thinks there some reason why i cant stop thinking about rob. I mean yea uh he brutally raped me. i was a kid still so yea i think that's a pretty good reason.

How do you forget these things. She thinks that i'll magically be healed in a certain amount of time but all im doing with her is covering up so it looks like im making progress. I dont think ill ever be healed. I'll never be normal or be able to have normal relationships with the outside world. Frankly i dont really think i want to.

They say that people become cofortable with sadness and pain even when they dont want to be. I think ive lived in this dark place for so many years now that its what i know. When im in the dark no one can see me so no one can hurt me.

They never suffer. They hurt you and walk away and live their lives. They dont care about what they did to you or how it would affect you. They can just eaisly forget.


Wish i could do that.

Now that the holidays are over...

Don't tell me to get over it.

I saw a post on a forum today and it made me think of this.
 Don't tell me to get over it and suck it up. When your nightmares repeat what happened that's not a choice, it's called POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER. Anything can trigger it, not just sleep. A sound. A smell. A word. You just never know what can trigger it. Believe me, anyone with PTSD want nothing more than to be free from the trauma they experienced.

Feeling good for once.

I started taking my medications on time everyday and today i actually felt really good.
When you've felt so bad for so long you know when you feel good. Its such a rare feeling but im going to take it.

I wont even go into anything right now. Im scare i may ruin the mood. = )

It's my hair and it IS a huge deal.

One thing i thought i would never get over was growing my hair out again. I was traumatized after being dragged across the floor by my hair and all i wanted to do was cut it off. I guess this is where the PTSD came into play because every time my hair grew past my shoulders i would freak and do anything to avoid letting it get long.

Well after 8 years i am proud to say that my hair is now just past my bra. Crazy! Ive been trying for years to grow it but just couldnt do it and i finally did!

Its still going to take work and every now and then i have a flashback and want to grab some scissors
 but its a work in progress.

Some may not think growing out your hair is a big deal but for me it really is. 

Isnt it suppose to get easier?

I cant be the only one. Right? I mean they tell you it gets easier but why doesnt it feel like it?


Some abused children survive and grow up but the damage is done.
The abuse follows us into our future and we develop PTSD, depression, DID, etc.
For some of us no one helped us before and now we struggle with mental illnesses.

"Normal" people could never understand what its like to be in in our shoes.

Surviving Childhood Sexual Abuse Affects the Rest of Your Life.


Makes you think "what did i actually survive?" if im still struggling to live.

Says it all.

My biggest mistake.

So im going to skip all the hospital stuff for now and fast forward to when i got out.

So i got out of South Beach hospital when i was 16. missed a lot of "normal" school and it was hard for me to be back in the real world. With the help of therapy and medication i was able to be sane again. For while i had nightmares but nothing too bad. Finally i could move on with my life and just be a kid.
I was very anti social and didnt trust anyone. i didnt make friends easy as i did before all this started. My family moved from Staten island to the poconos weeks after i got out so i could have a fresh start. Things went ok for a while but then my abuela and i started fighting all the time. She is super controlling and i was tired of being controlled so we butted heads a lot.
I was into the whole goth/skater scene and signed up for this site for people who were different. Into all kinds of stuff. Goths, skaters, headbangers etc. made a lot of friends on the site so i would go on all the time.
Well one day this guy (Rob) messaged me. He was older than me but i wasnt one to judge someone just because they werent my age. So i wrote back and he would write me everyday. He was really nice and seemed like he understood me. Plus he was always there to talk when no one else was. My parents only wanted to sweep everything under the rug and move on and never talk about anything. I need to talk about it and not hold it in. After a while he asked for my phone number and i gave him our house phone. We talked for 6-7 months and by that time i felt i could trust him. He gained my trust.
I talked to him about how much me and my abuela couldnt get alone and he offered for me to stay at his place. He had two kids he got a few days a week.

So two days after my 17th birthday my parents and i got into this huge fight and she kicked me out the house. I remember telling her i didnt care. My grandfather offered to drive me to the bus and i was planning to never see or talk to them again.

I called rob from a payphone and he wired me money to catch the bus. He didnt live too far. Same state and a couple hours away. I was super nervous finally coming face to face with the person ive been talking to for months. Him and his mom met me at the bus station and after meeting them i had no red flags so i shook off the nervousness. His mom was the sweetest, a bit clingy but very nice.
When i first saw rob i was a little shocked. i know he told me things about himself like his piercings and tatoos but i actually talked to someone up close like that. He had so many of them. His eyebrow, like 5 in each ear, tattoos everywhere. Again i wasnt there to judge him.

We went back to his place. They showed me around then we sat down for lunch. His mom was very much all about rules. So while living there i had to follow them which was fine with me.
She gave me a curfew, no smoking in the house or drinking no drugs etc. Not that i did those things anyway. After a few hours of talking with them she left and it was just me and rob. It was kinda awkward and just sitting around so he put a movie on.
I wasnt into the movie at all. All i could think about was i left home for good and i was actually missing my family. I was just so overwhelmed with everything and started sobbing. he came over and sat next to me and put is arms around me and pulled me into his chest and i started crying harder.
I just needed someone to hold me and tell me its not the end of the world and that everything was going to be alright. No one ever did that but him.

After i settled in for the night, i showered and went to bed. He gave me his bedroom and took the couch or if his kids werent home he would sleep in their room.

Next day i met his kids. K was about 5 and R was about 7 or 8. Loved them. They were great kids. I loved children and children loved me. I fell in love right away. Loved when they were around.
A couple weeks go by and things seem to be really good. Its like i had been there for years. Then one day when i woke up something just seemed really off. about rob. He seemed agitated. I didnt want to bother him so i got my breakfast, the kids mom came by and got them early that morning, i showered and turned the tv on. As the day started going by i noticed he was more and more uneasy, he couldnt sit down, he was shaking but still i didnt think it was any of my business so i tried ignoring him.
Rob told me he was once addicted to drugs but stopped and got clean a long long time ago. I never questioned him. i trusted that what he said was true. Well found that lied about it all and was in need of his fix that day.
One min he was on the phone calling a friend and then the next that friend was in his living room this stuff. I have never seen drugs like this before in my life so it was a huge shock to me. I mean he had all kinds of stuff spread out on the table from needles to bags of white powder to pills and alcohol.Thinp and run but i wasnt sure if that was a good idea or not. i was frozen on that couch.
Things got scary fast. They were getting loud and arguing, then they both got naked and started running around the house like mad people. The torn down his cd collection off the wall. Like it was terrifying. Again nothing i had ever seen before.
i gathered the courage to get up and move myself from the situation and went into the bedroom to go to bed.
Since i didnt really bring mch clothing with me all i had to sleep in was panties and an tshirt that used to be my uncles. I was so tiny that it was over sized on me so i could wear as a nightgown kinda.

I tried to go to bed but couldnt fall asleep right away so watched some tv till i did.

I woke up hours later and the only light coming in was from the lamp outside the bedroom window. There was a slight breeze coming in from the cracked window. I sat up and looked at the end of the bed to see rob crawling in bed with me. I wasnt alarmed or anything i just thought he was drunk or high on something and forgot where he was sleeping. I called his name and asked what he wanted but he didnt answer me.
I asked him again and he just ignored me and was now so close to me i could feel his breath on my face. When he leaned in and started kissing me i pushed him away and asked what he was doing. he didnt answer me and started kissing on me again. I keep trying to push him away and the more i did the more he would push himself on me.  I was so disgusted and so angry with him that he was pinning me down so when i was able to get my hand out i slapped him in the face. I reacted and wish i hadnt sometimes.
I had no idea that he was going to hit me. He said "You stupid bitch" and punched me in the face.He wore a skull ring on the hand he hit me with and i think its what cut my face. I could feel the blood pouring down the side of my face as i laid there in shock. I was terrified now.
Do i fight and risk him hitting me again or do i just let him do what he was going to do anyway? My head was hurting so bad and he was on top of me. He leaned over me and kissed me and told he wouldnt hurt me if i didnt fight him.


ugh ok my hands are shaking right now. I need to take a break before i continue.

I felt so betrayed. I trusted him. I opened up to him and he committed the ultimate betrayal or my trust.  He was my first. Horrible way to lose your virginity. I was barely 17 and he was 35. ( i found out later he lied about his real age) His body crushing me under his weight. he wasnt exactly nice either. He was extremely rough with me. I was so fragile. I felt like he was going to literally break me. I couldnt take the pain and i tried to close my eyes and drift off to my own world but it was so difficult. I couldnt think straight and the smell of smoke and alcohol and sweat made me want to puke. I cant think over his moaning and grunting and i cant leave that room at all. All i wanted was to disassociate so i didnt have to be there.


As i cried out in pain he put his hand over my mouth to shut me up. I cried harder and i started having trouble breathing. i could feel my heart beating so fast and my chest was hurting from not being able to breath. i thought i was going to pass out. Im asthmatic so once he covered my mouth and being under him and just the whole situation made it hard to breath. I grabbed at his hand. i was too afraid to touch him and push him off.so i grabbed at his hand to get it off my face. When he finally took his hand off he i could somewht catch my breath.  He told me to be quiet. He said his kids were asleep in the next room.

I felt my heart sink into my stomach. First i didnt even know his kids had come home that night. Hadnt expected them to since they were there the night before but i guess the mother brought them over while was sleeping.  Last thing i wanted was those poor kids to come walking into the room.

I stopped crying and i turned my head to the wall till he was finished which felt like forever.
When he was finally done told me to get up and clean up. I bleed soo much. I quickly went to the bathroom and closed the door. I wanted to lock it but there were no locks on it.  I turned on the shower and just stood there staring down at the blood dripping down my leg. I couldnt bring myself to look at the mirror at my face.
Wasnt long till he walked in. He had a drink in his hand.
He told me to get down on my knees in front of him and give him oral. I started crying and said no. I was expecting him to hit me.
At that time my hair was down my back. So when he grabbed me by my hair it was easy to wrap around his hand. He literally dragged me by my hair across the living room back to his room. I tried so hard to catch my footing and i could feel my hair breaking off. He let me go to close the door i stood up. i was shaking soo bad. at this point i thought he was going to kill me for sure when he was done with me.

He ended up raping me again. Only this time it didnt hurt as much. I felt like i had nothing left. I was so empty and so broken. I had nothing left to do but pray. I had lost touch with god long ago. And i felt like god let those things happen to me in school but at that point, at my lowest point where i felt like i was one foot in my grave i prayed. I just prayed and prayed and prayed and was going to continue praying till it was over or till i was dead. Whichever came first.

When he stopped and his body went limp first thing i thought was he died. I pushed him off me and though he had just murdered my soul i was concerned and checked to make sure he wasnt dead.When i saw he was ok i crawled to the top of the bed and sat there with my knees in y chest. Holding myself. I was shaking and numb. As i sat there trying to process what happen i started to feel this relief and calming feeling over me and i to this day i swear i thought there was someone else in the room with me. I heard this voice clear as day say that he couldnt hurt me anymore and i was going to be ok.

I was devastated when i did look at the injuries he caused me. I had a huge gash under my eye and my hair was coming out in handfuls. Everytime i combed through it just fell out from the back of my head.
I really had no plans on telling anyone what happened. I learned that its better to just leave things alone and move on.
I didnt sleep that night. i checked in on the kids a couple times. They were sleeping so peacefully.
I paced the living room thinking about what i was going to do and i was scared that he might have gotten me pregnant. I checked online to see if the pharmacy would be open and went first thing when they opened.  I knew a thing or two about the morning after pill and i was planning on stealing some from the store since i didnt have money on me.
Sadly they wouldnt sell it to me anyway because i was underage. So i thought i was screwed.  I had parted my hair  in the front so that it would fall over my eye so no one could see my face but the guy behind the counter saw and asked if i was alright. i said i was find and ran out the store before he could ask me anything else.
I walked back to rob's place and remembered he had introduced me to some of his druggie friends. I thought i would take my chance and ask for help getting something. One of the guys lived next door. when he opened it he looked at me with that look. i must have really pitiful. I asked for his help and he didnt ask me why or question me. He left and got what i wanted and i went back in the house.
By the time i got back the kids were gone and i sat in the kitchec with an open box of pills. i think i sat there staring at them for an hour or so before i took about 4 or 5 of them. I would have taken the whole box if i knew if would make sure i wasnt going to be pregnant.

He was still in the room, everything was still in the same spot it was left in. I stood by the bed and watched him and i was so sure that he would have killed me. I wish that he had.sometimes.

He finally woke up after lunch sometime. i was sitting on the couch and he walked right pass me. Not a word. Not a sorry. nothing. He never brought it up. It was so awkward after a while cause i was then starting to question myself and whether i was just going crazy and it never happened. So i never brought it up either. I stayed quiet and it was killing me because i wanted him to say something. i wanted him to tell me why or to say he was sorry or something and he never did. I excused from and pretended it was ok by staying silent. I assumed and made excuses for him because it was easier for me to be able to put it behind me.

I called my abuela the next day and apologized for my behavior and begged her to let me come back home. She did and i left when he left for work the next morning. I found some money he left in his drawer. guess it was his drug money. I took enough for a cab to the bus station  then a bus home.


Rob was the biggest mistake of my life. One that i wish i hadnt made but one that wouldnt be easy to leave behind.
I didnt trust people but when i did i trusted the wrong person. seems to be the story of my life.

I cant finish right now so ill go back to that at another time.

My first suicide attempt.

Summer of 99 i was having a hard time coping with what had happen the previous school year. I couldnt tell my parents, i couldnt ask  for help. I sat in my room everyday in front of my window staring out into nothing. Many nights i cried myself to sleep. i remember trying to come up with a plan on how i could get out of going back to Mount loretto when sept came around again. For days i thought up of all the things i could do and if it would work or not. I thought of running away but i knew if they found me it wouldnt stop me from going. The mount would just be waiting for me when i got back.

When i finally made the decision that i was going to kill myself it was scary. I didnt want to have to go that route but it was all i could think of. A few days later i told my parents i was going for a walk. I went to the shoprite close to my house and bought pills. I dont even remember what i bought but i know i figure too much of anything would hurt me and if i was lucky would kill me. i stole a box of pills and walked to the middle school park a few blocks down from my house. It was afternoon but wasnt many people around at the time. i took more than half a box of the pills and sat there crying. I was 14 years old and was trying to take my own life. What happened from then till the time i woke up is blank. i dont even remember falling alseepor passing out but i woke up on the bench. it was evening time, still light out but def dinner time. I didnt die. I remember feeling so disappointed and crying hysterically. I keep asking God why he didnt let me die. 

After a while i decided to go home. When i got there my parents were so worried about me and asking where i was. They had called the police and the police had been looking for me  for hours. i guess no one thought to check the park. I told my abuela what i did but i dont really remember what she said or what happen after that. i dont even remember going to the hospital to get my stomach pumped. To be honest i dont think they took me. 

Couple days later i had a panic attack. This was a countdown to my breakdown. It had been pouring rain that afternoon and i was walking from the bus stop coming back from summer school.  i had no umbrella and the rain just beat down on me. I remember feeling the pain in my chest and then i was having trouble breathing. I stopped in front of a house and couldnt move. I was sobbing uncontrollably, raindrops falling down my face. i thought i was going to faint.  The world just felt like it was spinning all around me. I tried calling out for help but i couldnt get the words out. Then i heard someone calling out to me. I couldnt see who it was. Thats how bad the rain was coming down. I could see nothing around me. I felt someone grab me and pull me away. Up stairs and into their house. I was asuch a mess and took me a bit to come around. It was a girl that i knew who mom saw me standing outside her house and helped me get out the rain. 

She called my house and my abuela came down to get me. 

I guess i had a chance to tell someone what happen but i just couldnt and didnt talk about it again. Went home and went to bed. It was the weekend the next day so no school for me. 

Next morning did my usual. Get up, eat breakfast then spend the rest of the day in my room till dinner and go to bed. By that afternoon when the mail came, my abuela came to my room with a package for me. I dont remember who it was from or why they sent it but it was a vase with some roses. I dont remember why but i flipped. I remember throwing the vase against the wall and s crying and screaming that i hate everyone and why was all this happening to me. My abuela said i was screaming that they hurt me and that i didnt want to go back to school anymore. She said she called my grandfather upstairs and that he had to grab me with his arms around my chest and hold  me down because i was destroying everything around me. I had to have blacked out because i dont remember any of it. I woke up that night in the mental hospital.