What on my mind right now?

Really a lot. I get so many jumbled up words and sentences and then dont know where to start. Like i said before this blog is about me and my life and who i am as a person.  So ill start with a little something not very many people know about me.


I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.

When i was 3 my birth mother who was pretty much a baby herself let one of her many boyfriends molest me.  Its not something that i remember but its something that was talked about a lot and i was put in therapy at a very young age because of it.
When i was about 7 years old, a man tried take me from my house. I remember parts of this but some things i forgot. He had been watching me play outside in front of my home for weeks. i remember the first time he came by to talk to me. I dont think my parents really talked about strangers then. He came back again with a bike and gave it to me a a gift. it was this red tricycle with white handles. i remember him taking my hand and then i remember my parents coming out of the house questioning him.  Lots of parts are blank but i remember him telling my grandfather that he watched me and thought i was beautiful. Crazy. he actually admitted to my grandfather he watched me. smh

Then at the age of 11 i got kicked out of a good school for something stupid. All fault of my own. Got sent to a terrible special ed school because it was the only place that would take me at the end of the school year. It ended up being a life changing experince. i was first verbally abuse for the first year there by two boys who were older than me. one was 14 and the other was 15 at the time. The second year they upgraded to physical abuse and then in my third year there fathe sexual abuse started.  It wasnt only them but there was a teacher who was obsessed over me too.
Ill go into more detail when i make that blog.

almost 2 weeks after my 17th birthday i was brutally raped by this guy old enough to be my father.


I guess the whole point of this is finding support from people i know as well as those i dont. i prefer to help others first so i hope to also give my support to someone who may have been in my shoes and not had someone to be there for them.